One more thing before I go: The growing list of life lessons, I want to share with my daughters while I still can

Many years ago, I began journaling to create a record of my personal experiences, innermost thoughts, observations, and life lessons.  I was not one of the mothers who embraced scrapbooking.  Actually, I longed to be one of those organized, crafty mothers who created beautiful visual records of each child’s life, however, I just couldn’t get into it. I tried, I really did, but realized that I would need to come up with another plan to record life’s happy moments so my daughters would have an archive of them when I was gone. This was very important to me as I lost my mother and father when I was in my early twenties. While emptying out my childhood home after their passing, I recall searching for any signs of such records. I desperately looked for scrapbooks, diaries, letters, or notes, anything that preserved a memory, a thought or loving sentiment from one of my parents. I never found one.

Years later, when my daughters were growing, and I was so busy doing rather than being, I paused one day and remembered the promise I had made to myself. I would take the time to create a record for my girls. Realizing that photography was not my forte, I began to write. I secretly admit I have an addiction for journals. Whether at the bookstore register, the sale shelf at Marshall’s or a high end stationary store, I confess that I cannot pass them up. Not only do I buy them for myself, I always make sure my daughters have one by their nightstand so that they are able to express themselves should the mood strike them.

In writing this piece, I decided to go through some of my journal pages and reflect on various life lesson’s or thoughts that I have recorded for my daughter’s and share them with you. The thought crossed my mind that you too may not be a scrap booker, or a journalist, rather, you could be a sharer! In today’s digital world, sharing is often times caring!  Finding relevant information that you share with your children is a great way to document your thoughts and emotions when the information echo’s your sentiment and you relate to the words as if you had written them yourself. Maybe some of my lessons are your lessons too?

Lessons  I want to share with my daughters:

·         Have the courage to express yourself! Never suppress your feelings in order to keep peace with others. If you do, you may end up with a bit of resentment and as a result may never become who you are truly capable of becoming.  “Today you are you! That is truer than true! There is no one alive who is you-er than you! Dr. Seuss

·         be happier!

happiness is a choice. Only you hold the key to your happiness. Seek the things in life that bring you joy and gravitate toward them. Pay attention to what makes you happy, the kind of people, places and things that make your heart sing. Don’t just look for happiness, create it!

·         Find your tribe! Immerse yourself in the right people. The people who support you, who challenge you (in a good way), who are there for you in good times and bad, and truly have your best intentions at heart. And once you find these people, work hard to keep them in your life…this will become difficult at times, but make the time and keep these special relationships alive.

·         Have the courage to live a life true to yourself, not the life others expect of you!

Do not catch the “disease to please” …if you start to feel yourself coming down with it, build boundaries. Assert yourself and do what’s best for you. Get clear on your intention in saying “yes” to others. Are you afraid of disappointing them, or rather, are you being true to yourself? Don’t get too wrapped up in doing that you lose sight of being.

·         Be grateful for the little things in life! One day the little things in life will become the big things…never take anything for granted. When you live with gratitude and grace, life is richer and more fulfilling. Expect nothing and appreciate everything.

·         Give, support others and volunteer! It is our duty as human beings to help others, always be kind…there is no other way to be.

·         Seek the fullest expression of yourself! Find your purpose or what brings meaning to your life. If you have no idea where to start…just pay attention, simply be and trust that someday you will figure it out. Just be aware that it exists somewhere within you and is waiting for you to discover it.

·         Stay curious! Curiosity may be your best tool for personal growth. Keep your mind open to others opinions, ask questions, seek your own answers, then challenge yourself on how true your answers may be? Never limit yourself in certainty. Build bridges, find common ground, and when you can’t…simply let stuff go.

·         Honor your mother and father…

I have few regrets in life, however, I was never given the opportunity to say “goodbye” to my father, and to thank him for his wisdom, his support and his love. In the end, I realize we all have that opportunity day in and day out to convey how much we love one another…seize the day and honor the ones you love.

·         If you are going to get a tattoo, make it a worthwhile message and then live by it! My oldest daughter got a tattoo that reads, “love yourself first”, although I do not approve of tattoos, I approve of her message…my wish is for all of my daughters to love themselves first, before seeking love from anyone else, self-love is the key to living a fulfilled life.

·         I add these blank bullets for futures lessons I will learn and then pass along through my journaling. I will continue this process until I can no longer write. We are all a work in progress, a masterpiece in the making…keep making!

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Megan Murphy, CPC, ELI-MP

Now "Eye" get it!

A Growth Mindset vs. A Fixed Mindset

We see things through our own eyes, correct?  Based on our past experiences, relationships and personal truths. That is to say, everything we experience creates a personal reality (or truth) in which we use to form future conclusions about life events yet to come.

What’s your “fixed-ation”

 Judgements, personal interpretations and limited beliefs:

 We create judgements and personal interpretations around events, situations and people. (think Archie Bunker!)  We become stuck in the mindset that things are as we see them, eradicating the awareness that things could possibly be different (Oh, the horror!) This, often times, yields limited beliefs, which are things that we accept about life, ourselves, our world, or about the people in it, that limits us in some way. And who wants to be limited in any way? It’s like choosing the cheap seats at an event in the back of the stadium behind a tall person when we have front row tickets. We choose and accept this vantage point and limit our potential unconsciously.    We are not able to see the whole picture, rather only our viewpoint or the back of someone else’s head in this case.  Being open to other possibilities or viewpoints is essential for personal growth. Realization, you may not always be right… but it’s ok and here’s why.

“We do not see the world as it is, we see it as we are.” Anais Nin

There has actually been research regarding the principles of quantum physics that indicates that the world we experience is a creation of our perceptions, and that we attract what it is we expect to see. (think Law of Attraction here). Therefore, to create a positive life experience, it is suggested that we focus on inner peace rather than attempting to control outer events and circumstances. Simply put, when we are at peace, peace is what we see. To reach a state of peace, we must become aware of our limited vantage point, as described earlier, and shift our mindset (or move to the front row seats).  We often neglect the importance of the knowledge gained from a particular event or situation. (We can’t get out of our own way per say). When we remain “fixed” in our state of judgements, personal interpretations and limited beliefs, we are unable to experience true knowledge and personal growth. It takes effort and self-awareness. The kind of effort it takes when you are learning something new such as riding a bike or driving a car. You must break it down into simple parts or actions so that in the end, once all the steps are combined, it all makes perfect sense. When you learn to drive a car, you focus on the many parts of the car and your role in making them work. You first have to be aware that each part exists, right? Once you begin driving on a regular basis, the tasks seem effortless and driving becomes second nature. This is the same goal in creating a different mindset. You can begin to become aware of your limited beliefs and interpretations and look beyond them.

Here are some questions to ask yourself to help improve your “eyesight”

1.       What’s another way to look at that?

2.       What would someone else say about that?

3.       What would someone who had the completely opposite point of view from mine say about this situation?

4.       How true is that belief, really?

5.       Where did I get that idea from?

6.       How can I let that belief go?

In conclusion, we are all a product of our own personal belief systems, no two people experience the world the same way. We must start by being aware of that and cultivate understanding and respect for others viewpoints. Secondly, we should pay attention to our personal existing beliefs and question whether they are limiting us.

“I don't like that man. I must get to know him better.”

― Abraham Lincoln

Megan Murphy, CPC, ELI-MP

My inner and outer journey to India

 “It is the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting” Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

 In May 2015, I pursued one of my many dreams and travelled to India. This dream seemed obscure and therefore unattainable. I knew that going to India would be an amazing experience, and, it also scared the hell out of me. I had never even travelled to Europe, not England, not Rome, not even Ireland where my ancestors originated. Taking one of those trips seemed more conventional and mainstream. On the contrary, India seemed so alchemistic to me. I felt as if I didn’t “go for it” at that moment, I would never collect the courage needed to complete this journey and satisfy my curiosity. Often, my curiosity grew when I sensed the experience would be difficult to achieve, transforming it into a personal challenge.  I was aware of one thing that often kept me awake at night, I wanted to live fully, challenge myself and be happy.

Staying curious

“The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing.” Albert Einstein

It all began after selling my business two years prior. My life seemed new and exciting, and open to many possibilities. I had spent the last twelve years wrapped up in doing and I had lost sight of just being.  What would I do with my one precious life? Would I go back to school, start another business, or travel… I spent numerous months reflecting on the many opportunities that lie ahead. That is when I decided to travel and explore.  When I first mentioned the idea to my husband, he laughed and said, “I’m not going to India!” and then he looked at me with a questionable glance as to test my revelation. “You are not going to India, are you?” he replied after realizing that my gaze had not changed and that I meant business. “Yes, I am,” I said enthusiastically with a twinge of query inflection in my tone. “And how about I take Maggie with me?” (Maggie is our middle daughter, who was to graduate High school two months later) “She wants to study International Relations, and this trip will be perfect for her and it would make a great graduation gift as well”. It was at that moment that my subconscious fears were echoed in my husband’s response to this proposal. “That’s not safe, and you are crazy to want to go to India right now” Being that safety was also on the list of things that kept me awake at night, I immediately rescinded my proposal and changed the subject.

Leaning into my fears; rational and irrational

“The opposite of certainty is faith” Anne Lamott

As the weeks progressed and I hadn’t, I became agitated that I allowed my fears to get the best of me. Anything worth doing has a bit of fear attached to it, right?  Why was travelling to India dangerous? Was it really? I viewed India as a peaceful country, one of acceptance and spiritual in nature. Sure there was risk of disease, but that’s what preventative booster shots were for. Obviously danger is everywhere, and depending on your awareness that risk diminishes as a result. The tape that played over and over in my head, found ways to corroborate my fears both rational and irrational. My rational fears included items such as money, distance, and the unknown. I realize that the unknown, seems more irrational, however, the unknown, has been the one fear that has held me back over and over again throughout my life, and it appeared to be very rational to me.

One week prior to our departure the region experienced a disastrous earthquake in Nepal. Our destination was in northern India, the closest geographical location to Nepal, divided by the Himalayan mountain range. Another example of how an irrational fear of the unknown, quickly became very rational to me. To top these fears off, anyone and everyone who knew about our impending journey provided further concerns and unwanted advice. These concerns provided nourishment for my fears to grow and flourish. What was I thinking, travelling over 7,000 miles across the globe to a region that had just experienced a natural disaster? The media flashed images morning, noon and night of the devastation and showed people trying to flee the area. If my rational fears weren’t enough to deter me, they were the foundation that my irrational fears built upon. What if they experience more earthquakes? What if I am unable to leave the country due to the masses of people trying to exit the region? Am I being irresponsible? What about the water... The inner banter was extremely exhausting. The easy response would be to cancel my flight and let go of my dream. With this option, I would act as I had always acted, and run away from my growing fears. The other choice was to lean into my fears and bring perspective to the situation. My fears were based on the unknown, the what if’s. In putting my fears under a magnifying glass, I realized that they were based on others perceptions and my own judgements which materialized without factual information. Here is where my conscious shift occurred.

Taking Risks

“How will you know it’s the right decision if you never make it?” unknown

The dream outweighed my fears. I did not want to live my life in the safe box I had built. Historically, change had always been good for me. Change lead to creativity, wonder, and each time I resisted my fears and chose courage, my life became richer and more meaningful.  The thoughts that kept me awake at night were based on not living fully and choosing happiness.

I chose to write about this experience, because it has become a significant event, that I can point to as a major life shift. I use it as a marker….before my trip to India, and after my trip to India. I experienced a major aha moment or a shift in consciousness that forever changed my life. Today, I continue to work on my own fears and I now coach others to overcome theirs.  Life is funny, when you listen to the whispers and follow your calling life becomes richer. I’ve learned to get out of my head and move into my heart, and that has made all the difference.

“Those who don’t jump will never fly” Leena Ahmad Almashat

How 'Go Fund Me' Invitations ignited my personal journey

(Disclosure, these are my thoughts and opinions, and not judgements of others...this blog is about my relationship to "Go Fund Me" campaigns and is not meant to offend anyone)

About twice a month I get either a Facebook notification or an email from someone I know asking for me to support their child’s dream of travelling abroad on a service trip.  And about twice a month I find myself getting extremely annoyed and resentful. Now, don’t get me wrong, I think it’s wonderful that their child has an appetite for adventure and longs to travel to another part of the world and help those less fortunate. Here’s where I insert my “BUT”.

BUT…

My child would love to practice social responsibility and how great it feels to help others who are truly in need (Not, like my iPhone cracked and I need a new screen, kind of need). The kind of need that my child has no idea yet exists in this world.  Furthermore, she would love to experience the independence that travelling alone with a group of volunteers she has never met generates. Finally, I would give anything for my child to discover herself and her life’s purpose as a result of such an amazing opportunity.

I find it bold to ask other parents to help fund your child’s oversea adventure. Now, some may think differently and that’s their opinion, and this is my opinion. On a positive note, this feeling of annoyance ignited my own hunger to travel and experience another culture. One that would change me (and my daughter), maybe even change how we lived our lives.  I wanted to experience the magic advertised in my friend’s pleas for funding. I wanted my daughter and me to have the opportunity to change the lives of others for the better.  The only problem with this plan was that I didn’t have the funding. My oldest was away in college, and my middle daughter would be a college freshman over the next few months and most of our money was tied up in Higher Education tuition.  I would not allow this minor fact to deter my plans. I got creative and figured out how to raise the money for my daughter and me to go on a service trip together without hitting up friends and family?

Here’s a few tips for raising money to fund a service trip without hitting people up with “Go Fund Me” campaigns

1. Tax Deduction: Look for a Travel Abroad Service Program that is a Non-Profit. For U.S. taxpayers, the program fee may be tax-deductible (many volunteers have even been able to deduct the cost of airfare!). Tax deductibility can be a significant benefit to you reducing your real out-of-pocket contributions, on average, between 25–33%

2. Offer your skills for donation: Are you an artist? A chef? A photographer?  Offer to Paint pictures for friends who have inquired in the past. Ask your neighbors to give you a donation for preparing them a delicious dinner at home. Offer an exclusive Holiday card photoshoot for friends for a small donation to your volunteer trip abroad. Why it will work: Since it's a talent you already possess, all you're spending is time and you are providing a needed service!

3.  Create an online store:  Set up an etsy page and sell crafts you make or get a booth at a local festival or flea market and sell your items there. (My daughter did Henna at the local festivals)

4. Have a good old fashioned yard sale with a twist: Ask your friends and family to clean out their attics and garages, and donate any old furniture, clothing, toys, fashion jewelry etc. and organize a yard sale. Many people would love to get rid of old household items but just don’t have the time or energy to have their own sale.  Be sure to let folks know that all proceeds will help fund your volunteer abroad adventure. You could also sell items on virtual yard sale sites/apps, craigslist or EBay.

5. Simply get a job and set a goal and work for it! Babysit, dog walk, house sit, bag groceries, scoop ice-cream, waitress.  Create a travel fund account and work towards your goal!

6. In Lieu of: When planning way in advance, you could ask your family members to forgo Birthday and holiday gifts and contribute to your trip fund.

Having a goal to shoot for and achieving it through hard work and dedication creates more excitement for your adventure. My daughter and I were able to pool together our creatively earned resources and travel to Dharamsala, India on a service trip in May 2015 (just 1 month prior to her High School graduation).

Here’s what I learned.

The experience of a volunteer trip abroad will change you, Change the way you see other cultures, and change the way you live your life. The opportunity is more than just an opportunity, it’s a life changer! I no longer pass judgement on those who email me requests for funding for service trips for their children. I get it! (However, I still don’t contribute as I’m planning my next trip with daughter #3). The experience your child will have is worth the vulnerability of putting yourself out there, and asking for help. I personally choose being vulnerable by hosting yard sales, working flea markets and hocking my wares. Tomato, Tomato as they say. If my trip to India taught me anything, it was acceptance. Acceptance of others, acceptance of my own feelings and acceptance of everyone’s individual human experience. Getting annoyed or angry, is ok, it’s natural. But having the self-awareness to pay attention to those feeling of judgement and to transform them into a positive shift in perspective is transformative. I hope that my new perspective will start a ripple effect in finding wisdom and beauty in a way of life different from my own.

Namaste

Megan Murphy, CPC, ELI-MP

Don't "Mind" me!

Don’t “Mind” me!

I am a volunteer for a great Non-Profit Organization on Cape Cod. Calmer Choice is a universal prevention program committed to teaching young people how to effectively and safely manage stress and resolve conflict so that they live happy, healthy and successful lives. Who would renounce a program like that? Don’t you wish you had learned tools that would have assisted you in navigating the pressures of your teen years? Who wouldn’t want to be happy?

If I knew then what I know now…

How many times has this phrase crossed your lips? If I only had the tools necessary to help me reduce stressful situations in my youth, I can only surmise that my life would look very different.

Possibly I would have cared less about the onions of others, and I would have acted according to my own desires.  For example, I would have joined the school play. I recall yearning for the stage, however, was scared to death what my friends would think. An opportunity lost, and a regret gained…

When confronted by an angry person I would have been able to detach from their negativity both physically and mentally, and move on. Bullies were everywhere and a magnet for a chubby, awkward girl with freckles.

Upon experiencing a seemingly traumatic life event, I would have focused on the lesson it provided me. Things would have seemed less emotional and all consuming. Such as the time I pulled a fire alarm on a dare at basketball practice and the fire chief came to my house to discuss the repercussions of my actions with my parents and me. Lesson I should have learned, never listen to the older teammates especially when they are laughing as you do what they tell you to do AND that I must always trust my instincts.

The Present of being present…

What a gift it would have been to have had the tools to assist me in “being present” or living in the moment. All too often in my youth, I recall wishing the years away. I couldn’t wait until I was in sixth grade so I could rule the school, and then immediately upon walking through those school doors, I wished them away and couldn’t wait for Junior High. Then there was age 16 ½ so I could drive a car, onto becoming a senior, and finally going off to college. Every year, I looked forward to the next stage of life, never fully noticing and appreciating the stage I was in. Such a waste!

I stand in support of Calmer Choice! It has taken me forty some odd years to figure it all out…how to reduce stress in my life, resolve conflict and be happy. How amazing is it that the youth of Cape Cod are able to learn these life tools! Today, as I write this, Calmer Choice is being questioned for their content and intentions. I trust that a harmonious resolution is on the horizon and the program will be resilient and continue to guide our youth. I do not stand alone in this support, as many have rallied behind this great Organization. As a mother of three daughters who could have greatly benefited from this program, I urge others to show their support to keep this program alive. 

What I learned about myself from being a motherless daugther

When the Mourning turns into Morning

The relationship between a mother and a daughter is a very special bond unique to every individual. In my case, my mother was an extension of me, a part of me that I couldn’t imagine living without.  I was forced to learn how to do so after losing my mother to breast cancer. This loss had a profound effect on me, one that shaped the mother, sister, wife and woman that I am today.

When faced with the devastating loss of my mother in my early 20’s, it was as if I had lost a limb. I was out of balance, desperately trying to regain my footing. I felt cheated, sad, angry and alone. The void was painful and left me tender with emotion. I recall the great support of friends and family immediately following her passing and their love was the crutch that supported me during the immediate days. When the mourning turned into morning, and everyone returned to their personal lives, I was left alone with my thoughts and memories. I allowed myself to embrace the awkwardness of my deep personal emotions and pain. I would cry in the middle of the grocery store when I smelled the perfume from a passerby that reminded me of her soft scent. Watching sentimental television commercials created unexpected attacks of anguish. This went on for some time until one day, I experienced an overwhelming sense of calm. Out of nowhere, I felt the comfort and support that I craved similar to the comfort and support my mother had always provided me. This shift was profound and changed my life forever. Looking back it was my greatest “aha” moment.   I realized that all of the support and love I ever needed existed within me. My mother had instilled in me unconditional love. She was my teacher, and I was a late learner.  As life sometimes happens, her loss became my greatest lesson in life.  I just wish she was able to witness and celebrate her impact on me, as there is no greater gift then the gift of pure unconditional love.

Self-Love, is all you need.  

When I was able to tap into a deeper sense of love, one that seemed foreign to me up to this point in time, life became so much easier and I was able experience inner peace and joy.  Uncovering the concept of self-love was a game changer and has shaped the woman I am today. I seek acceptance within myself before looking for it in others. I tap into my inner guide which I have named “Phyllis” (in honor of my mother Phyllis Tobias Moloney) to help me with decision making, I trust all of the answers I seek lie within. When fear creeps into my life, I am able to turn it into motivation by actualizing perspective which leads to empowerment.  This journey of self-discovery as a result of the loss of my mother, has enabled me to inspire my children to trust themselves and the power that exists within each of them. We are all greater and wiser than we appear to be, we just need to uncover our own magnificence and simply love.

Megan Murphy, CPC,ELI-MP

Figuring it out: The moment you realize your kids will be fine

Today at the gym, while working on trying to get my figure back… I bumped into a trainer I had not seen in a while. She asked me how I had been and how my girls were doing. Obviously, I had not been to the gym in a while, so my answer to the first part of her question was short and evasive, “ok” I replied and then came a momentary awkward pause, while I figured out how to respond to the second part of her question. It would have been customary for my reply to be, “great, the girls are doing great, thanks for asking.” However, at this moment I felt the need to go deeper and speak more honestly. Taking a deep breath, breaking the silence, I replied, “Well, the girls are doing fine, they are figuring it out” then I smiled and repeated the words over again, as if reassuring myself with my answer, “they are figuring it out!” My trainer smiled and gazed at me with a surprised look, as if she wanted to know more. I had intrigued her with my cryptic answer, yet I corresponded in a tone that let her know that I would not elaborate on the subject further. She nodded, smiled and replied, “That’s great, we all had to figure it out, right?”

I felt a sense of tranquility and pride as a result of this short, yet poignant exchange. As she began to walk away, I said, “Actually, I’ve been great, especially once I realized that my daughters have the power to figure it out for themselves” she smiled and replied, “I bet!”

I then returned my focus to the stepper I had been exercising on and popped my headphones back in trying to regain my concentration on the audiobook I was listening to, however, my thoughts kept me from accomplishing this. I was recalling all of the seemingly traumatic events over the past year, where my daughters reached out to me for support, and how in error, I offered un-invited advice that they weren’t willing to accept or embrace. So I changed my tactics and just listened. I allowed them to unload their fears and concerns on me. They were not reaching out for me to solve their problem, rather, they wanted a sympathetic ear, and reassurance that they could figure it out. I did not need to offer solutions to their problems, I just needed to guide them through questioning and assist them in solving their own problems.

I decided to end my workout session a bit early due to the fact I had lost my attention span, so I disembarked from the machine and made my way across the crowded gym floor. I bumped into another mother that I had not seen in a while (again, I had been lax in my gym attendance) and she too asked how my girls were doing. I felt an opportunistic warm smile come across my face and I replied confidently, “Great, they are great…and figuring it out for themselves.” This time I combined my old response of “great, they are doing great” with the new, deeper response of “they are figuring it out for themselves” and like the combination of peanut butter and chocolate, it was perfection. She nodded her head in agreement, and her sense of relief mirrored my expression. “My boys are doing just that,” she said, “I like that, they too are figuring it out!” I excused myself with a newfound spring in my step as I exited the gym. I felt a sense of contentment and pride. The aha moment I had just experienced was profound. I realized that I have done my job, and done it well. I have provided my daughters with the tools they need to figure it out, whatever it is.

And just like that, I am no longer concerned about what brought me to the gym, my figure!

Megan Murphy, CPC, ELI-MP

Camouflaging, it doesn't just happen in your teen years

Recently I was watching Good Morning America when a story about teenage girls and a phenomenon called camouflaging aired. This story peaked my interest as a mother of three daughters, I was interested to learn more about this phrase. Camouflaging was a term coined by JoAnn Deak, Ph.D., a psychologist and the author of How Girls Thrive and Girls Will Be Girls: Raising Confident and Courageous Daughters.  It refers to when young women try to blend in with their friends for acceptance and lose themselves in the process.

Six months ago, my fifteen year old daughter transferred back into the public school system after spending the last four years in Catholic School. Although this was her choice, she experienced a lot of anxiety over this transition. She expressed to me how she was afraid of losing herself in the process of fitting in. “What if I change so that I will be liked” she said. At the time, I thought her concerns seemed peculiar, coming from my confident, artistic, outgoing daughter. I belittled her concerns as if they were inconsequential. She had been president of her eight grade class, a member of student counsel, captain of her soccer team and openly expressed her inner thoughts on canvas through her art. Her concerns seemed more like teenage moodiness, so I gave little attention to her worries. I was wrong in doing so. It dawned on me, she had legitimate fears. I had experienced the same fears when I was her age, how could I have forgotten?

My Aha Moment

The repercussion of “camouflaging” in my teenage years would continue well into my forties. The experience my daughter was having brought many suppressed feelings back into my awareness. Insecurity, self-consciousness and feeling less than, began in middle school, and snowballed through my high school years. I too, was outgoing, captain of the soccer team, on the prom court and even won a superlative for having the most school spirit.  Yet, the voice inside my head continually told me that I was less then. Not as smart as, not as pretty as, not as thin as, not as athletic as, and so on and so on. As a result, I acted “not as” and hid my talents. If I had exposed myself for what I believed my strengths were, what would happen?  Would people laugh, or belittled them?  What if, what if, what if? A spiral of negative self-talk created misleading and irrational fears that began to suppress my goals and dreams. Life happened, as it often does, and I got married, had my children, and built a business. These years were extremely busy, and fulfilling, yet something always seemed amiss. I could not put my finger on it or articulate what “it” was that I longed for. Like a craving you can’t seem to conquer, chocolate, wine, retail therapy, fitness kicks, all brought immediate comfort, but could not satisfy this craving.

So then what?

One day I realized what was missing. Actually it began as many days filled with unhappiness, feeling stuck and uninspired. So I made a decision to pay attention to things that made me unhappy and use them as bullet points on a list of life changes to tackle. The first item on the list was my business. It had to go, as it was the foremost stressor in my life. Interestingly enough, my business was quite successful, yet a bad partnership made it unbearable. I went to work each day full of anger and resentment for the mistake I had made in allowing someone to manipulate her way into my business. So I sold out. Took a loss, yet at the same time gained so much! That lesson was invaluable and one I am most proud of today. Number two on the list was to eliminate negative people. Those who didn’t bring anything “to the table” per say. That was a difficult process, and continues today, two years later. I no longer give more then I receive. Friendships are a two way street, a give and take, and I waved goodbye to the takers. Anyone who made me feel “less than” were also crossed off that list. Next came self-care. I began taking time for myself each and every day. Putting myself as priority #1 (the oxygen mask scenario that is often used) I turned up that oxygen mask full throttle without apologies. This included, a trip to India, taking an 8 week MBSR (Mindful based stress reduction program) and completing a 1 year coach certification process. Pretty amazing, huh? Included in this self-care practice, I began to live as my authentic self, not only live it, but celebrate it. I had come into my own, no longer caring if I would be accepted by everyone else. The only acceptance I longed for was my self-acceptance and self-love. I had found the key, the secret and my purpose!

Tia Girls Club is an inspirational group of amazing women who are trailblazing for our daughters, they say, “If you want self-esteem, do estimable things” it means doing the things that you love. I found this to be true and it is heightened for me when I can inspire others to rediscover their dreams and goals and step out of their camouflaging years (or decades) below are some recommendations that TIA Girl Club suggests in helping our daughters. I use this list as a guide today, in my mid (to late…) forties.

https://tiagirlclub.com/2015/07/20/camouflaging-and-your-tween-daughter/

1. Create a safe and encouraging environment for your daughter (yourself) to GROW her own self esteem

2. Teach her (yourself) empowerment language (Today I Am Brave!)

3. Introduce her (yourself) to positive female role models

4. Get her (yourself) involved in community service!

Life is short...#!@&Head

I poured myself a morning cup of coffee and waited for my husband to come downstairs and join me. Mornings are our time to connect, recap and plan. We mostly spend this time recapping, because we live the majority of our lives apart. My husband works extremely long hours in his family business and I enjoy volunteering and adventure (whether it be travelling to India or taking long walks on the beach daily). These two worlds rarely intersect, but we love each other and respect each other’s schedules, interests and responsibilities.

We respect them, which does not mean we understand them. And at times this disparity creates some marital friction.

I am not saying that I am right…and he is wrong, or vice versa. Rather, there are times we need to come together and find compromise. And compromise means listen to what I have to say, and agree with me. (Not really, but yes really). Especially when it comes to adventure and taking time off. School vacation week is right around the corner and I suggest a road trip of sorts. I market the idea to him as a ‘road trip’ because it sounds entertaining and cheap. Knowing my husband the way I do, and taking into consideration that we have two daughters in college right now, I figured I needed to find a way to entice him to entertain the idea.

He looks at me perplexed, takes a big sip of coffee, swishes it around in his mouth for a minute (or twelve) and responds, “we can’t afford to do that right now”.

“What?”    

“Huh?”

“Wait, did you just say that?”

“Define afford, does that suggest time or money? Or both?”

“Is this about president’s weekend and being in the car business?

We haven’t been on a vacation, or spent more than 1 day together, in the past five years. So I would like to approach the bench (or couch in this instance) and argue that afford couldn’t possibly mean time! Therefore, he must be implying that we can’t afford the cost.  A few tanks of gas, some dunkin donuts coffees, several Panera salads, and four nights in a mediocre hotel. I began doing a quick mental cost-benefit analysis and blurted out, “Life is short, shithead!”

Yup, I solved the equation with short math. (I felt so smug and proud) how could he argue that point? I must admit, I did feel a bit badly about snapping at him, however, there are times when we need to help bring others into reality, helping them see the light! There are many famous quotes that imply my outburst wisdom….they just said it more profoundly.

“In the end, it’s not the years in your life that count, it’s the life in your years” Abraham Lincoln

“We do not remember days, we remember moments” Cesare Pavese

“The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it.”Henry David Thoreau

At the time, I didn’t think my outburst through…had I quoted Abraham Lincoln, I think he would have been impressed and felt a positive connection with my message. However, we were on a time limit, soon he would be running out the door, late for work and I would be barked at incessantly by my dogs to take them for a walk. Therefore, my comment seemed abrupt and spot on.

Something amazing happened…even though my delivery was less than inspiring, he simply stopped, let out a big sigh and agreed with me.

And then, just like that, he was off to work.

I hoped that I would feel triumphant, like I had won something. However realizing how poignant my words were stopped me in my tracks. Did I always take my own advice? Was I making my life decisions based on opportunity or letting fear and excuses get in my way? 

As I walked my dogs around the block I thought about all of the things that I wanted to do but chose being a “shithead” over being adventurous. At that moment, I decided to avoid being a shithead, at all costs, in every moment, from this day forward, for better or for worse….

I look forward to tomorrow mornings “coffee” talk…I wonder what mysteries of life we will uncover…together, this time I will refrain from name calling!

Why painting rocks is so much cooler than coloring in a book

There’s a new book trend that has hit the market and adult coloring books are all the rage right now.  Currently, five of the top 20 selling books on Amazon are coloring books for adults. I know they make a unique gift and the holiday gift giving season just ended, but I think that’s crazy. Good crazy, not bad crazy. I find myself fascinated by the trend. Youthful activities that grown-ups are apparently engaging in to tap back into their simpler times, childhood.  People are in advertently becoming involved in meditation and mindfulness activities due to the high levels of stress many are living with. The feel good pleasure found in the act of de-stressing through self-expression.  Just like meditation, coloring allows us to switch off our brains from stressful thoughts and focus on the moment, which helps to alleviate free-floating anxiety.  Personally, I found the hobby a bit too introspective and introverted, and I was looking for further inspiration and purpose, so I began painting rocks. That’s right, painting rocks. I found that I experienced the same benefits that mindful coloring cultivated, however I was then able to share my hobby and possibly inspire others.

How It All Started                          

 I began collecting smooth round rocks on my morning beach rocks and writing inspirational words on them with a sharpie. It was that simple.  I couldn’t wait until my next beach walk to drop the rocks along the way for others to find. Before I knew it I had created a full blown hobby, and my inspirational single word rocks soon became phrases, surrounded by brightly colored boarders and scenes.  I began researching inspirational life coaching quotes that resonated with me on that particular day, and invested in sharpie paint pens (as they would create an indelible impression). Bam, I was hooked, and I had created a purposeful way to create, de-stress and inspire others. There is a difference between coloring and actually creating art. It’s like the difference between listening to music verses playing an instrument and making the music. The process of creating these rocks helped me explore my feelings, foster more self-awareness, and reduce anxiety. So basically it was similar to what I had experienced during my therapy appointments. Art Therapy of sorts (or Art Life Coaching, as I call it).  Being a Life Coach I am committed not only to learning and improving myself, but to inspire others to do the same. Inspiring others is so much cooler than keeping it to myself!

Wanna join me? Here’s How to Get Started

 Whether you live near the ocean, a river bed, mountains or desert, get outside and go on a rock hunting expedition! Rock hunting can be very therapeutic. Breathe in the fresh air and let your thoughts wander as you explore.

Smooth rocks with a flat surface work best and the size of your rock will dictate the length of your message. The color or shape of the stone does not matter much. Dark markers will show up best on light colored stones and vice versa. There is no need to wash or prepare the stone before painting it, however Investing in “Sharpie Paint Pens” is a must! These are available at most craft stores and make painting fun and easy to do (even for the artistically challenged). You could also use acrylic paint, with small paint brushes. Finally, I suggest that you spray the rock with acrylic clear protectant spray also available at craft stores or your local hardware store. This will ensure that your artwork will outlast the elements.

Drop them along the way, outside of grocery stores, on the beach, at bus stops, in the park, on the commuter train…anywhere you want to inspire another human, brighten their day and create a smile!

I have found that getting creative, combined with getting out into nature and finally sharing my rocks and inspiring others has transformed a simple hobby into a motivational purpose. I have received many thoughtful messages from those who have stumbled upon my rocks. Some of those messages are powerful moments that bring tears to my eyes and gratitude to my soul, while others simply bring a smile to my face. The best part of this hobby is that you never know how you may be helping others while helping yourself at the same time, and that is what’s magical about it.

I hope you will join me...

Visit me on Instagram or Facebook at The Kindness Rocks Project

#KeepItKind #Spreadingawholelottalove #Inspireothers #Paintedrocks #TheKindnessRocksProject

KEEPING IT KIND during campaign craziness

When campaign craziness begins many of us fall victim to heightened emotion and negativity, it’s inevitable. Our airways are filled with campaign rhetoric and unrealistic promises for change, cultivating uneasiness, frustration and in some extreme cases, anger. Whether you are a staunch supporter of one party and/or candidate or you are impartial, we can all agree that we belong to the bigger “party”, humankind.

 Wikipedia defines a political party as a group of people who come together to contest elections and hold power in the government. They agree on some policies and programs for the society with a view to promote the collective good.

In promoting the “collective good”, the terms collective and good must be defined in order to cultivate kindness. Collectively we must strive to find common ground through the exchange of ideas and agree to disagree at times. Understanding that campaigning magnifies differences of opinion. Such differences are important and challenge us to seek further knowledge on a particular subject. You, have a choice. You can spotlight the differences and further divide yourself from the opposing party and its supporters, or you can focus on the “collective” bigger picture “party”.  The latter creates tolerance of opposing viewpoints and often turns competition into cooperation through awareness.

There is simplicity in defining the term good. Words such as, favorable, sound, admirable, commendable and pleasing illustrate for us, the power in the word. Seeking what’s best for some can lead to a collective good for all when we remain open and free from judgement. 

Here are 10 tips for keeping it kind

1. Let it go…do not take political rhetoric personally, recognize the process and celebrate the differences

2. Stay mindful of your feelings and thoughts, and draw your awareness to the “bigger picture”

3. Have a sense of humor! Campaigns attract many characters, you are bound to find some  humor as a result… lighten up and laugh a little

4. Be curious, learn about policies, process and the people who support them

5. Focus on common ground…and the common good

6. Perspective, perspective, perspective

7. Practice meditation, it lessons worry, anxiety and impulsivity, improves resilience against adversity, increases optimism and awareness, and increases information processing

8. Be aware of your level of attachment to a particular candidate, campaign promise or party

9. Don’t be attached to the outcome…your candidate/party may win and it may lose, but one thing remains constant, the day after the election, win or lose, life goes on

You have a choice, free will, exercise it! Get out there and vote

as seen in: http://blog.sivanaspirit.com/rise-above-negative-campaign/

An open letter to all of my daughter's past Coaches

It was never about the playing time…It was simply about the time

Now that my daughters have grown and are off at college I find myself reflecting on their past experiences and missed growth opportunities.

My husband and I encouraged our daughters to participate (key word participate) in team sports so that they would gain friendships, confidence and a sense of community. Soccer turned out to be the one sport all three of them gravitated to, and having played the game myself in High school I was thrilled. However, times have changed and High school sports have become increasingly more competitive and cut-throat. High school coaches aspire to compete at higher divisions and bring home the state championship. Of course, that has always been the case, however, the stakes have been raised due to the rising costs of Higher Education. Many players participate in hopes of the gaining the attention of a college coach who may offer scholarship to their perspective University, and many coaches aspire to have one of their players recruited for increased job security. Some players, however, play for the love of the game, the friendships, the confidence and the sense of community. Their goals remain in alignment with what brought them to play the sport as a young child.

This disparity in intentions can be disadvantageous.

Dear Coach _______________,

I have waited to send this letter out of respect for your team rules and regulations handed out at the beginning of the season. Although I do not agree with rules that diminish communication, I understand and respect your reasoning. Our daughter is in your hands and you have been given great responsibility in coaching her. Your rules indicate that you have taken this responsibility seriously, and for that I am grateful. Parents were asked to respect these rules and to keep our “opinions” to ourselves.   I can appreciate your candor, however, I believe that to be the best coach, teacher, manager, or parent, one must open themselves up to communication and conversation at appropriate times, and this is one of those times. Listening to others point of view can eliminate assumptions and judgements and create affirmative behaviors and team building.

It has never been about the playing time! 

Not all players have the same intentions and goals. One thing remains undeniable, all parents want their children to gain confidence from their High school sports experience. That, I believe is the predominant responsibility of a coach, and one shared, with a parent. We must build our daughters up, encourage self-esteem and cultivate self-confidence. To coach a winning season is great, however, to instill winning values and determination is awesome and trophy worthy. Perspective is important, and cannot be gained without looking at all sides. It is easy to get lost in the emotion of an unruly practice or disappointing game against a rival team. However, if each experience is used as a life lesson where something is gained and then carried off the field into everyday life experiences…well, then that is amazing isn’t it? With these tools in their toolkit, our daughters will achieve great things. So rather than focusing on the 1 or 2 players that will possibly receive scholarships to play soccer in college, how about encouraging all players to be courageous, help them build character and practice sportsmanship. This will prepare each of them for the game of Life.

The precious time you spent with my daughter was fleeting yet a great opportunity for growth, and soon she will toss her cleats into a basket in the garage and leave for college.  I hope that you will honor and respect this time and take responsibility for your influence on your players (our daughters). True leadership is about making others better as a result of your presence and making sure that impact lasts in your absence.  What impact are you making? I ask myself this question every day,  as the essential role as a parent.

Sincerely,

______________________’s Mom

This letter has floated in and out of my thoughts for some time now….My wish is that coaches become aware of their impact and influence on our children.  We could all use a reminder now and again about the importance of communication, influence and consequence. The ultimate goal is a perfect record in self-esteem building!

10 Simple Steps in Finding Clarity and Happiness in your Life

First, here are some questions you may ask yourself

Do I feel stuck, bored or unhappy?

Have I fallen into a rut?

Do I fantasize, dream and imagine my life was different?

 Am I where I expected I would be at this stage of my life?  

Have my goals and ambitions changed?

If you answered “yes” to any of the above questions continue reading

If you answered yes to one or more of the above questions, you are not alone, many of us experience similar stumbling blocks.

 We either go back in time trying to relive our carefree and upbeat youth, or we daydream about our future self, one that embodies all of our expectations and desires. No wonder we feel stuck as many of us fluctuate between the past and the future because we are not satisfied with the present.

Living in the present

 Being present may seem difficult, and you may want to be anywhere but here. You may have created numbing hobbies such as overeating, overspending or over (__insert numbing hobby here______).  The act of overdoing anything can push you further into a rut and diminish your drive for change. You begin to feel uninspired and stuck. We all experience this at one time or another in our lives. For some, this feeling lasts a lifetime and the “spell” is never broken, for others, glimpses of clarity come in and out of consciousness and there are periods in our life where things seem to be going well.  And then, bam you hit a wall. This wall is built out of fear, comparing yourself to others, guilt, shame, or sadness, and the cycle picks up where it left off. I can recall times in my life when I felt like I was in flow. Things seemed to be going great yet I couldn’t put my finger on why or how everything had changed. I looked at all of the components that may have effected this positive change such as my weight, my financial status, my relationships, my job, etc. However, months later I would find myself bored and unhappy again, and all of the components listed above remained the same. What had changed? How could I get back to that positive happy state of flow again?

 This was a mystery and had become my quest.

Here is what I have discovered…

In order to figure out this mystery, I would have to become more self-aware. I needed to pay attention to my feelings. Meditation helped me become more mindful. Each and every day I set aside 15-20 minutes. Sitting in silence, paying attention to my breath, and allowing my thoughts to come and go created more self-awareness. I was then able to become present in each moment. I paid attention to my feelings, as they became my guides. When I was feeling anxious, I explored the situation, person or place that was attached to this feeling and moved away from it. I gravitated to my “happy place” by spending time with those who inspired me, I engaged in hobby’s that sparked my creativity, and took time for myself making that my first priority. Before I knew it, I was back in flow. This time, I created it and could control how long it lasted. Mystery solved!

Here are 10 helpful tips on creating clarity and flow in your life

1.      Be mindful and meditate daily to create more self-awareness

2.      Live in the present, stay out of the past or future

3.      Look for things that make you happy and gravitate towards them

4.      Walk away from things/relationships/people that drain you

5.      Find your tribe of likeminded people who inspire you

6.      Stay curious pay attention to your emotions as they are your guides

7.      look for hobbies that boost your confidence and creativity

8.      Make a list of what your strengths/superpowers are

9.      Heighten those superpowers by sharing them with the world

10.  Be brave, vulnerable and authentic

Megan Murphy CPC, ELI-MP

In Good Company; Listening to inspirational audiobooks creates Big Magic

I used to love to read, unfortunately, three kids, two dogs, a job, volunteer work and demanding house chores have greatly reduced my free time, and that means reading is out of the question. I have tried. I hate to use the excuse, “I’m too busy” as I believe that is a cop out for anything in life. However, before bed, I’ve tried hundreds of times to open a book and get through just one measly chapter. My eyelids get heavy, the words begin to blur and I nod off (actually I go immediately into REM sleep, only to wake up 8 hours later). The very next evening, with high hopes, I eagerly open my book and begin the next chapter, only to realize I forgot what I had read the evening before. Not only do I have narcolepsy, but memory loss too! This is a huge bummer, for someone who loves to read. I love to be inspired by others, to gain insight into their minds through word imagery.  Getting out of my routine world, I use creativity and imagination to take me to new places introducing new insights through reading. For a long time I really missed that, and I felt heartbroken. There must be a way I could work around these difficulties. And one day it hit me, my aha moment…books on tape. So I spent the next few hours researching the best apps for audio book listening and downloaded the book I had been attempting to read, Brene Brown’s Daring Greatly (I believed I was daring greatly myself embarking on new technology to fix my dilema) This was a life changer and here’s why.

 I had increased my motivation. I decided to invest in a good set of noise reducing headphones and begin to walk the beach while listening. Day 1, I walked 2 miles and got through 1 ½ chapters of the book. Not only that, I was able to retain all of the information, as if my mother was reading a bed time story, it felt warm, fuzzy and I had fallen in love with audiobook listening. By day 5, I was walking 3 miles a day and getting through 3 chapters each and every walk. Today, I walk and listen every morning before I even have my first cup of coffee. I’m up to 5 miles and 4/5 chapters a day, doing the quick math, that’s 4 books a month! I find joy in this process, I am motivated, inspired, somewhat fit, and grateful for the company on my walk each morning. This week, I walked with Oprah, she read to me her life lessons on What she knows for sure. Her soothing voice touches my soul as if she and I were physically having a conversation as friends on my walk. I smile and laugh openly as if I were in her physical presence. Last week I walked with another favorite friend (I mean author) of mine, Liz Gilbert (notice how I call her Liz, her formal name is Elizabeth, but since she read to me daily I felt a familiar connection with her message, and I now call her Liz for short).  Her book Big Magic along with the daily sunrise on the horizon, heightened my inspired thought process, sparked creativity and left me motivated for the rest of the day.

Next week, I plan to re-listen to my friend Wayne Dyers book Wishes Fulfilled. Wayne’s soothing, gentle voice creates a calmness like no other. This means, I must plan ahead as my walks with Wayne take a lot longer to complete. My pace slows, my breath gets deeper and I become more mindful of my surroundings.

“The greatest gift that you were ever given was the gift of your imagination.”

― Wayne W. Dyer, Wishes Fulfilled: Mastering the Art of Manifesting

So what I know for sure, there is big magic in reading, sparking creativity, allowing your imagination to manifest wishes fulfilled…

Grocery shopping with your spouse; An Exercize in Quality vs. Quantity Time

The great debate over quality time vs. quantity time continues in every relationship whether it be parent/child, husband/wife, friendships or family. In some situations, quality time is sought after due to time constraints or distance. The pursuit of quality time can be trying due to expectations. When one’s expectations exceed the actual experience, disappointment often arises. On the flip side, some believe that quantity time is best. Spending more time with the ones you love is paramount and trumps the special moments. That it is in the everyday interactions, such as a family dinner, that create bigger impact or impression within a relationship. I, myself, prefer the latter; and here is an example within my own experience in which I tested this theory. 

“I started a list of items we need at the grocery store, it’s on the counter” said my husband

“Great” I yelled with my head in the dryer as I was in the process of doing laundry, “I’ll add to the list when I’m finished here.”

Then came his dreaded response, “Let’s go together!”

“Bang!” I hit my head on the dryer door, “Ummm, ok?” “Well, hey why don’t you relax, it’s your day off, I got it, and we have a list right?” I replied.

“No, I insist, it will be fun and we will be together, let’s go” he said excitedly

Off to the store we went with list in hand. I remained hesitant yet hopeful that our time together would be quality.  As he drove, I recited the lists contents aloud adding a few items that I had forgotten. This is when my impending feeling of doubt grew. My husband began negating the items I had listed, questioning whether we “needed” them or not. I knew for sure, at this moment, that things could go south quickly. So I took a deep breath, forced a smile and replied “Maybe you’re right”.

Upon entering the store, I bumped into an acquaintance and believed that a quick hello would not suffice, so I motioned for my husband to begin shopping without me. The conversation I was now engaged in was not productive as my thoughts were elsewhere. Was he dropping items from the list that he deemed unnecessary? Items that I needed for planned recipes during the week. Guilt, fear and an overall sense of anxiety were permeating my thoughts. I excused myself from the conversation and began searching for my husband in the first few isles. No sign of him.  “Where could he be?” A quick text message would tell me that he was now in isle 6.

Thus, my assumptions began, Isle 6, what? How did he get to isle 6 so fast, he must have ignored the list and shopped for his preferred items? 

“Hey, there you are” I smiled. “Yup, you haven’t learned to keep walking, have you?” he replied- A pointed commentary on my inability to avoid lengthy conversations at inappropriate times. Hmmm… he was right, however, we were both on guard at this point. I stated, “Honey, did you get everything on the list, geez isle 6, I think you have missed a few items” when the older couple next to us smiled as if  there was a familiarity in our exchange. “Nope, got it all!” he said proudly. I suggested we return to isle 1 together and continue our “quality time”.  I began filling the cart with some necessary and some unnecessary items out of spite. I could sense his agitation. “Hey, let’s split the rest of the list up and meet back at the register” He said. He must have sensed our quality time was becoming merely quantity time. When we reached the checkout, he decided to jump out of line to go back for one item he forgot. Great, I smiled, I will be right here. The checkout woman noticed the grimace on my face and acknowledged me. “Hello” I said, “I’m smiling because I have an idea for an article, you see shopping with my husband can be stressful, and I think we may need an appointment with our therapist to sort things out”….“paper or plastic” she replied grinning widely. When my husband returned carrying multiple items in his hands I giggled, “how about boxes!”

Going over the list one final time, I noticed I had left off lemons.  I ran to beat the clock and return in time. When I returned to the register out of breath, the cashier laughed and my husband looked a bit guilty. “What?” I asked. She stated that he had made a similar comment about shopping together, and it was common in her line. Many couples find shopping together stressful and arguments frequently ensue. Each of us laughed, and my husband and I put the experience into perspective and continued out to the car, as if it had never happened.  We decided that sometimes quantity time is actually better then quality time. You see, disagreement is a key ingredient in seeking common ground and relationships are strengthened by patience, consideration and mindfulness. Without these items remaining on “your list” shopping alone may be the only option, and then you experience neither quality nor quantity time.

Here’s a list of questions you may want to ask yourself when pondering quality time vs. quantity time:

1.       How do you define quality time?

2.       What are your expectations around quality time? And what are your companion’s expectations?

3.       Do they align?

4.        How do you distinguish between quality vs. quantity time?

5.       What do you value in a relationship?

6.       Are you mindful of your time?

Unlucky or Lucky

I went to bed last night with big dreams. I was planning and outlining what I would do with my 1.6 billion dollars that I was about to win in the largest Powerball drawing ever! The excitement, the hopes, the possibilities that would arise from such a win fall. Part of me remained realistic, the odds were sky high, and the probability that I would hold the perfect number combination was grim.  There are a total of 292,201,338 different Powerball combinations, but only one number can win the jackpot. However, the fact that there was a possibility created hope. The magic was in the maybe.

Here’s how I would spend my win fall

Now I’m not writing this to look good, or to create better odds in the eyes of the Universe. I have given this a lot of thought, A LOT. (I’m sure many of you have formulated your future plans as the Powerball winner as well.) So first off, I would pay off our mortgage, write a check for each of my daughter’s college tuition, and give each family member a good chunk of money to do the same. Then, this is where it gets exciting, I would start a foundation. My dream, oh my dream! Start a foundation and give money away for projects that promote the greater good. I, myself will live off the interest the money generates (as suggested by Shark tanks Kevin O’Leary). OH, and btw I may buy a condo in Boston as well, but beyond that, I really want to help NGO’s operate without worry and stress. I’ve been involved with many nonprofits over the last few years, and the monthly stress surrounding raising money is difficult, to say the least. You must have passion and conviction to be a leader of a non-profit because if you don’t the stress is not worth it. Flower Angels is a perfect example of this. In four short weeks, their doors may close, due to lack of funding and a place to operate out of. And that is a shame. A real shame! So many empty spaces for rent with little owners willing to support a local nonprofit, all because of greed. Ok, I’ve gotten off track, but have I? Greed is why I feel grateful that I am not the winner of the Powerball this morning!

Processing

So I didn’t win, actually didn’t even have one number! Now what….

It’s all how you process disappointment. You can accept it and feel upset, disappointed, and hopeless, or you can turn your dreams into a plan. Create hope rather than wait for it. I woke up this morning, to an email from a friend who is living boldly. She starts a new job with Google next week. She is creating her own personal fantasy. Her email was timely to say the least. She isn’t waiting for the Powerball, she IS the Powerball! She is leaning into her fears and going for it. Creating her own magic. She inspires me to dream big, but more importantly, make it happen for myself and go for it!

One thing is for sure, I will be greedy when it comes to my goals….to start, I’m going to begin by creating a mission statement that I will live by…so, from this moment on….

“I will be greedy in my quest for personal achievement without fear, I will be guided by hope and always believe that there is magic in the maybe…”

Powerball or no Powerball, I got this!

Project Badassery

A new level of confidence in yourself creating personal swagger

                              That’s right, Project Badassery.

This word has now surfaced twice in one month for me… once while reading Brene Brown’s Rising Strong and now in Shonda Rhimes Year of Yes and you know what they say, when something comes to your attention once, it leaves a small impression, twice and it becomes an imprint and the third time, it transforms into a mission, a quest…for me a project. I’m now taking on the responsibility to bring this word into your consciousness because the origin of the word is badass and we could all use a bit of that in our lives.

This hypothetical word has stuck with me. It jumped out on the pages of Brene’s book, which materialized my first aha moment. It was like an exclamation point, a bold, brave, daring concept. I wanted to emulate that hypothetical word in my life. Then, as things often happen, poof, I forgot about the word, that aha moment evaporated. This might be an age thing, or an attention deficiency or a result of inspirational multitasking….So I continued on my self-discovery journey, turning to the next quote, audiobook, podcast or TedTalk. So many inspiring phrases, authors, concepts and stories. However, when I picked up Shonda’s book A Year of Yes she had dedicated an entire chapter on Badassery, considering it wasn’t even a word in the dictionary and it was the second time I had heard it and it stuck with me, well then, it was my duty, my goal, my project to share it.

Shonda describes it as, “The practice of knowing one’s own accomplishments and gifts, accepting one’s own accomplishments and gifts and celebrating one’s own accomplishments and gifts…the practice of living with swagger. Swagger: a state of being that involves loving oneself, waking up “like this” and not giving a crap what anyone else thinks about you.” In Brene’s Brown’s book Rising Strong this is how she describes badassery “When I see people stand fully in their truth, or when I see someone fall down, get back up, and say, “Damn. That really hurt, but this is important to me and I’m going in again”—my gut reaction is, “What a badass.”  Brene continues, “Emotional stoicism is not badassery. Blustery posturing is not badassery. Swagger is not badassery. Perfection is about the furthest thing in the world from badassery.”

Two amazing women, have coined the idea in opposing yet powerful ways and that’s what’s intrigues me. Different, weird, cool, full of wonder, amazing stuff. If I combine both of their definitions, I feel vulnerable yet strong, humble yet fierce, kind yet selfish and fearful yet courageous. The ying and yang of emotions and traits that complement each other and create a fantastic energy…a contagious energy. The process of coming into oneself without apologies.  So when I’m feeling small, I can tap into my “badassery” and stand tall, When I want to curl up in a ball, badassery will continue to move me forward, this badassery will help me gain some ground at my own pace giving me the courage to break ground…and gain confidence in myself.  This blog is an example of what “badassery” can do. To feel powerful, confident and significant is to love oneself. Shonda sums up my project beautifully when she says, “I’ve started to think we are like mirrors. What you are gets reflected back to you. What you see in yourself, you may see in others, and what others see in you, they may see in themselves.” BAM and there you go…that has become Project Badassery to me.

My Turtle Tale, Expectations and Letting Go...

I started out on my daily beach walk, the sun was brightly shining, the air was cool yet comfortable and I was alone with my thoughts and literally alone as there was not a human in sight. This is the kind of walk that fulfills me for days. I breathe in the salt air, count my blessings with each and every step and contemplate life. Pretty nice, huh?

In an instant everything changed.  I came upon a small leatherback turtle that had beached itself. The poor turtle, was all I could think, then I looked around for help.  This was one moment I wished for other walkers to present themselves, but again I was alone, one with nature literally and figuratively. Was she dead?  Should i throw her back into the water, like a burial of sorts? Hmmm, Ok I got this, when upon tapping her shell I sensed an energy. She seemed as if she might still be alive, barely but hanging on. "Thank god" I said aloud and frantically started dialing 411 on my cell phone trying to reach the guard shack for the beach where the environmentalists were headquarted. This effort brought no result, as the 411 automated operator could not figure out my calling destination, so I decided to double time it back down the beach (about a mile and a half away) to personally alert them, with hopes that they would be able to save her. My steps quickened and I noticed how within a short time, my walk had completely changed, it went from relaxing to extremely stressful within minutes. 

Upon reaching the guard shack, I frantically knocked on the door and overheard a loud radio playing in the background, and I was not sure that my knock had been heard so I decided to knock louder. All of a sudden, the door flung open and the young ranger stared at me. I was out of breath but full of hope as I finally reached someone who could help. I blurted out, "I'm so out of breath, I'm sorry, I thought I would never reach your office...." when she interrupted me and said, "can I help you" Nervously I replied, "well, yes, there's a stranded turtle on the beach right by the new ramp that was recently built about a mile down the beach, do you know where I'm talking about?" and she abruptly replied, "Umm, I'm about to go live on a radio interview right now" and began to close the door.  She must have noticed my surprise (or disgust more likely) as she then said, "oh, and thank you" and closed the door. I stood there, shocked, sad and angry. Actually I started talking to myself outloud as I walked away..."Maybe you should go on the radio to talk about the poor stranded turtles that will not be saved because you have to go on the radio to talk about nonsense." "wouldn't it be better to cancel your stupid interview and do the job that you are paid to do?" and on and on went the banter in my head. Breathe I kept telling myself, breathe...then I decided to take action into my own hands once again. So I phoned 411 again in an attempt to reach IFAW (international fund for Animal welfare), they will help I thought, and when the automated calling system picked up they said press 1 to report a stranded or dead animal, "YES" finally! After pressing "1" a young girl listened to my story and replied, "sorry, we don't handle turtles, you may want to call the Welfleet Audubon Society" to which I replied,  "Ok quick, give me their number". I began dialing and once again and yet another automated message played, this time I got to "Press 5" and I still had no direction of who to contact, as I did not want to donate money, visit their Welfleet sanctuary or get a dial by name directory. 

That's it, I give up. The poor turtle may die and I'm the only one who cares. I have done all that I can and she may die but not because nobody cared. I cared! I spent the final minutes of my walk thinking about this experience and all of the feelings I had surrounding it. Sadness, grief, surprise, anger, frustration and disappointment. I was feeling exhausted actually. But, I realized, once again, that I can not control the actions of others. I am responsible for my actions and its as simple as that. Maybe the ranger will finish her radio interview within minutes and dash out in her four wheel drive and save that turtle, and then again, maybe not. I will never know. I do know I could spend my entire day angry and sad, or I can feel good about the fact I tried, as best I could, to make a difference. Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't. I finished my walk back where I started, with calm breath, the air was still beautifully comfortable, and I still felt gratitude for being able to walk the beach every morning. Tomorrow's a new day, and I will set out again to walk, with no expectations... By letting go of what we expect to happen and just letting things be what they are, we can always choose a happy ending.  

Awkward Holiday Donation Solicitations and Self Compassion

You park your car and begin walking towards the store, when you notice the faint sound of a ringing bell in the distance getting louder and louder with each step. This could only mean one thing, and you immediately begin to formulate a plan…your internal voices start bantering back and forth, and here’s where things get awkward.

These thoughts begin with a reality check… an assessment of the situation at hand is formulated.

“I don’t have any cash, only credit cards”

“My budget is so tight right now and I don’t have any spare change to give”

“I just gave to my favorite cause and I’m feeling anxious right now and not giving at this moment will make me look like a jerk”

Then your thoughts quicken and begin to formulate negative self-assessments such as…

“Really _____________ (insert your name here), you never have any cash”

“You really should make a donation, you have so much to be grateful for and are better off then so many”

This immediately turns into resentment as you enter the dreaded self-protection “fight” mode

 “ugh, another opportunity for someone to be hitting me up for money, I wish I could just say, sorry I have two kids and college and I should be ringing my own bell seeking donations”

“Why do I have to be subject to solicitation at every store, this makes me angry, I’m just trying to get some groceries, is that too much to ask?”

Then, before you know it, you have ascended upon the smiling person holding the bell next to the Big Red Kettle and survival “flight” mode kicks in

“Divert your eyes, and it won’t seem so awkward as you hurry by”

“Quick find another person to walk in with”

 Phew, it over, and you now find yourself in the dairy isle and then it hits you….soon your cart will be filled with plentiful groceries and you will find yourself once again face to face with the generosity gremlin as you exit the store. It’s at this moment you choose to give. Along with your donation you drop your gremlin into the bucket. My cart and my heart are now full.

So here’s the thing about this process. You get to choose self-compassion. Generosity of spirit is where awkwardness turns into conviction.  Here are some self-compassion reminders when confronted with awkward solicitations

1.      Be mindful of your thoughts

Try to think a positive thought every time you have the impulse to think a negative one

The act of paying attention, on purpose, moment by moment without judgement

2.      Recognize your gremlins

Gremlin definition: A deeply imbedded thought or fear that keeps you from moving forward. To silence this gremlin you need to recognize what thoughts and fears are present.

3.      Cultivate Kindness “Keep it kind”

Smile, make eye contact and create positive facial feedback, acting “as if” you are, happy, cheerful, carefree, you will cultivate a feeling of__________ (fill in the blank)

4.      When you live and you learn,  you find a lot about yourself along the way

5.      Keep calm and carry on, walk the talk and integrate your values with your actions

6.      Keep away from comparisons, comparisons lead to feelings of unworthiness, guilt, and shame

7.      Formulate a future plan, understand, live with, and respect boundaries especially your own, allow yourself to recognize them.

8.      Be honest and cultivate unconditional love and accept not only others, but yourself

9.      Let  every bell your hear become a symbol for self-compassion use the symbol of a bell ringing to check into how you’re doing on the self-compassion intention

10.  Live a life of truth and curiosity, realize that anything you have been through or are going through or have felt, others have been through it too, we are all connected searching for self-love, truth, and connection.

And there will come a day...

And there will come a day when she _____________________! After she realized that __________________________________________________ from this moment on, __________________________and she came into her own and ______________________!

Life coaching Mad libs!